The house is warm. I go to check if someone left the oven on. Somebody's been baking cookies. I have frost on my eyelashes but I am warm. The dog is locked in my dad's room. Nobody know's I'm here. Everyone's asleep. My gramma has this quiet way of talking about things she's passionate about. It has to be drawn out of her. I have quietly been learning the art of conversation. Ask questions. Prod & probe, gently. She has had quite the experiences & isn't done living yet. I like the way her family brings light to her eyes. My buddy Kev has good intentions abroad, but generally doesn't know where he's going & gets really drunk sometimes. He always apologizes after talking to me, just in case. I've decided I'd be wise to stop asking what he's gonna do & ask what he's done. I'll be very lucky if he remembers though. His drunk advice is "Fuck work! What about life!?" My sober response is "Rich advice coming from a guy with one of the most demanding jobs in the world." Another classic is "They wouldn't fire you." "Why not?" "They couldn't find someone stupid enough to fill your position." He bribed the police chief not to arrest him in the UAE with cigars today. This is mostly due to the amount of gin he drank yesterday. This is my brother. Chad has this way of letting words fall from his mouth. He laughs honestly at the jokes, with light jabs in between. He calls people as he sees them, without a word of a lie. He doesn't have to put up a front, but can hold back if it suits him. Eddie on the other hand, makes me furious in that way that forces me to clam up. I can't handle him. Rascist prick. One summer was enough, I don't know if I could do it again. Every time he talks to me it's right where he left off, which could be why I'm so cold instead of warm to his charm. He doesn't take the time. & pushes too far, the bastard. He dominates the air in the room, like my brother. He sets the tone with his mood. I like talking with Vanessa because she is an expert at critical analysis. She could have been a very good sociologist, but is lucky she knew a 5yr BA with a Theatre major will get more than a 5yr BA with a Soc major. She thinks of things a little differently, from a different angle. But somehow refuses to see Invictus with me, despite my subtle hints. Traps & all. I was the only one that could hear the scritching in the theatre. We both put out legs up & picked our shit off the ground. I am always at the ready, with a flashlight in my bag. Sounds like a mouse, or a squirrel? Maybe even bugs. I thought of making a big scene if I saw something. At Bubbles O'Reilly's in Uganda I saw a big mouse at the bar & thought of telling Janelle just to freak her out. I didn't tell anyone else. In fact, I don't know if I ever told anyone about it.. Movies about makng your dreams make me cry. Yeah, I cried. Really unneccessarily. I want to know what this innate feeling is that makes me well up. My dad is increasingly helpful, offering wherever he can get a hand in. Drove my brother & I home from work Monday night, all the while reminding us how helpful he is. Drove Al to curling, and came to pick up gramma at the airport. We decorated the tree finally Monday night. After long hours of procrastinating, and telling people on the phone exactly that, we had enough time cause the plane was delayed. Little flashy lights & cheesy decor. He tells me all the time he's here for me if there's anything I want to tell him. But there's always so much. After Thursday I'm going to reorganize my life. Switching rooms somehow. Baking or cooking with the grammas, volunteering downtown in Jan. Get a colour scheme in order. When I get some christmas money I am fucking buying cymbals. I want to go for what I want as usual. I have alot to do in the meantime. I was practicing arabic vocabulary on the bus, above the teasing from all my coworkers that I want to be a terrorist. Did I bring this on myself? I stopped to look at christmas decorations that brought me out of myself. Just to enjoy the ride home. Type type type in the dark with Crooked Brothers in my head. During the movie I made a txt draft and saved it to my phone: Everybody has a soundtrack. Everyday that makes you smile or laugh or be quiet or freak out or cry. Let's find out together. Here's mine I need to take a closer look and recognize some things that are important to me. The music in my blood gives me adrenaline. I need a new mp3 player. My life is nothing but frames without the soundtrack. Tonight, someone who made life hell in middle school & one of my most revered musicians were at my work at the same time. Invictus gives me chills. I really want to go see it. Nay, I must see it. I want to feel it's glow on my face, and sit between people who can feel the glow as well. But not against the wall next time. Today was a day of intentions but different results. The kind you recognize & smirk despite your ruined plans. Ty & I had a great night last night. Nay, amazing. There is a difference, we've concluded. Sometimes we need to just catch up. Last night was one of those nights when all is well. I was really looking forward to sleeping in with him, & it was just as good as I thought it would be. Mmmm sheets & warm. And cookies on the stove... Enough with words and technical theses, let’s grab life by the throat and live it to pieces.” | 
